This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
