i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
