Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
