Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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