I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
