Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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