Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
