did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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