I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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