He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
