Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
