I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
