Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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