i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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