I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
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The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
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I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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