hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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