dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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