I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
