Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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