Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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