Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
