Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
