My hand turned me down
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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