I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
