just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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