i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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