Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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