i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
And then my night got REAL pukey
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize