remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
