You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
