Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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