Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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