If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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