Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
