Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Send help, water and tortillas.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
