Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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