hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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