we have pet lesbian snakes
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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