i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
