"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
