She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
