I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
