the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
