dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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