ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
