were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
