soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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