You really coming over, don't trick.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
