he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
