My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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