I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sober January is a disaster.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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