Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
When are your genitals available?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
