my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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