Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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