The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
