i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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