We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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