She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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