I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize