we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
